Hi Divas,
For many of you, I’m sure the past two months that have passed since April 19th have been blissful and enjoyable. Some of us (read as: me) cannot say the same. Instead we have spent the past two months being tortured by a blonde woman’s musings about an awful British man. The Tortured Poets Department, the 11th studio album from global superstar and private jet enjoyer, Taylor Swift, was unleashed upon us two months ago and has spent its time shifting my brain chemistry in a way I may never recover from.
It’s taken those two months for me to fully put together my thoughts, and the majority of that time has been spent thinking of ways I could possibly put a curse on Matthew Healy. However, his recent engagement to the former lead singer from the flop band that Charli XCX put together who had one good song, Gabriette, has brought upon the realisation that a curse simply isn’t enough. I think we need to put him and Taylor in a room, give her a gun, and then all look politely away.
That being said, I’ve tried to rank the songs of The Tortured Poets Department based on how much I love them since it dropped, but I don’t have that capability unfortunately. Instead of feeling I’m choosing between my children, , I have decided to rank them under a certain criteria that will make the ranking process easier. The list is based entirely on my theory that Ms Billionaire Barbie often writes songs like she’s a gay man. Now, for any Gaylor theorists who may be reading this, get a grip. The reason Taylor writes like a gay man is because she is one of our closest relatives: the psychotic straight woman. Thanks! So, without further ado, here are the songs of TTPD ranked based how much it sounds like it was written by a Gay. Happy Pride Month!
Note: The Blonde Devil did in fact release an additional 15 songs, but for the purpose of my own sanity, I’ll be ranking the standard edition.
Also, if you think this criteria is weird, I offer the following sentiment:
16. Clara Bow
‘Clara Bow’ extensively discusses that unique thing that every IT girl has and how each era is supposedly better than the last. It’s a uniquely female experience to have to replace each other. Plus, no gay men has ever been as cool enough to be compared to Taylor Swift, Stevie Nicks or Clara Bow, and “You look like Troye Sivan” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
15. Florida!!! (feat. Florence & The Machine)
No gay man should be enthusiastic about the thought of going to Florida. Period.
14. I Can Do It With A Broken Heart
In this one, the Blonde Devil talks about how she can perform even when she’s broken hearted and that she’s productive even when she cries. Gay men are famously useless on their best days, never mind when they’re broken hearted so this one feels distinctly out of our wheelhouse.
13. The Tortured Poets Department
No gay man would ever say Charlie Puth should be bigger artist when he grows ever closer to starting an Only Fans the more his music flops. That being said, if she had declared Carly Rae Jepsen should be a bigger artist, this would be a different conversation…
12. The Alchemy
This song is about falling in love with the quarterback which is quite gay man coded. However, in the song, the quarterback loves you back, which is not. Try the guy wearing a Wicked T-Shirt from the original Broadway production for better results!
11. loml
Between polycules, throuples and friends with benefits, I hate to break it to you that gay men ain’t ever finding the love of their life. Love of the week, maybe so. Also, if a man ever talks to me about cradles, I’m running for the hills.
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10. I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)
Delusionally thinking you can fix an awful, awful man? Very gay man coded. Realising you actually can’t? Even more gay man coded. If you act like the song is actually the gay man talking about being unable to fix themselves, maybe this one would even jump up a few spots.
9. Fresh Out The Slammer
Ok, picture this: it’s Pride Month, you spent the night drinking one too many tequila shots and somehow you end up calling one of your hags to bail you out at the police station at 6 am. More likely than you think…
8. So Long, London
This one’s for all my gays out there who simply think that British man is gonna change your life and give you your marriage fantasy. It’s simply not happening luv! Also, many gay men love to party in London so I’m sure they will be turning this one up as they hop on a train back home to some awful little town somewhere.
7. My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys
There is a euphemism here and once you realise what it is you’ll understand why it’s so high up on this list.
6. Fortnight (feat. Post Malone)
In this one, Taylor declares “your wife waters flowers, I wanna kill her” and if you’ve ever had the misfortune of being around a certain type of gay man, you know threatening violence against a woman is right up their alley!
5. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived
Writitng a song as dramatic and heart-wrenching as this over someone as boring and pathetic as Matty Healy who you dated for a total six weeks is sooo first gay situationship. We’ve all been there and without that canon experience, I’m sure many of us would be more emotionally available. But where’s the fun in that? Also, there is a petty little euphemism in that song title that I’m sure a gay man or two have said about their ex.
4. Down Bad
If there’s two things a gay man is gonna do it’s cry and go to the gym. There’s not much else to be said here.
3. Who’s Afraid Of Little Old Me?
This song is overly-dramatic and ridiculous, so of course its written by a gay man. The demon twink in your life 100% plays this one as he slips into his black skinny jeans and checked vans. Also, the asylum in question? Grindr.
2. But Daddy I Love Him
What is there even to be said about this that the song title doesn’t. There is something extremely gay man about imagining oneself “running with [your] dress unbuttoned” and being told that you can’t be with a man. “I’m having his baby/No I’m not” is also very very gay.
1.Guilty As Sin?
“Without ever touchin' his skin/How can I be guilty as sin?”. Gayer words have never been spoken. Full of catholic guilt and biblical lust all set to glistening summer production with a key change to boot, ‘Guilty As Sin?’ is Taylor at her most poppers-induced high. This one is a dispatch directly from the closet.
Happy priDE MONth my precious divas! Keep torturin’ your poet!
Stay Fierce Divas!
